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| As much as I'm looking forward to the summer.. I can't help but be pessimistic about it.
-The Votaws are gone= less frisbee and less hanging out with that crowd
-Michael is living in Cape
-Becca is going to be far
-I won't hang out with Taylor much
and -Everyone will be 21 but me
I hope what it really is, is me being able to read in the park, hang out with all sorts of friends, meet a bunch of new people, be out in the sun, having free time, working and making money, and having a good time.
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| I feel like I'm wasting life away.
I mean, I do all of the things I should be doing in life and I do things that I should do that I think would make me happy...
boyfriend. check
friends. check
stay close with my family. check
do well in school. check
have a job. check
but still...
I strive for more. I'm not satisfied. I just feel like I'm living to die.
I'm living so vicariously. I don't know what I have to do to overcome this feeling. I just feel like there is more to life that I'm missing. but what? what do I have to do to make myself feel whole again?
I used to feel so happy all of the time and live the same life I always have but I guess I never used to question it. I used to be happy doing the things I do, but now I want more. There HAS to be more out of life that I'm missing. I'm a partial subscriber to transcendentalism but how do I get out of this carbon based body. I don't want the afterlife. There has to be a bigger purpose I need to serve now.
hm... I think I need to start setting more short term goals. It will make me feel accomplished and proud.
I dunno.. maybe it's just a winter depression or something...
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| There used to be a guy that would stop me from doing things I knew I would regret. He always told me sex was no big deal and he could do with out it. Any time I would meet a jerk, he made me remember that there are good guys that exist, and someday I WILL find one that will love me just for being me.
When I found out he had slept with someone the day after we kissed... it made me never want to trust guys again. I asked him why he did it and his answer was that he just hadn't had sex in so long. I mean, I guess we weren't exactly together, but how am I supposed to compete with that? I will never be loved unless I do that. I can't help it that I am attracted to assholes.. and I hate that about me. No asshole will want to deal with the fact that I'm not going to put out. I'm losing hope.
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| Man, I freaking love life. God has blessed me so much with all of the people in my life and all of the opportunities I've been given. I'm so lucky. 
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| The other night I told him I liked him and wanted to be in a relationship. Why did I say that? I know in my heart I only think he's really good looking but there is no attraction mentally. I know he's a good guy but my heart is not feeling it. But then why did I say I wanted a relationship...
Well I've figured it out.
I've always been about the chase.. I know it's horrible but that's just what I do..in fact, that's what a lot of people do. Well most people stop once they've found out the other person likes them. The chase ends for me once we start a relationship. I hate how I do this but luckily he told me he wasn't ready. I just like hanging out with the kid.. but I don't like him romantically. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way and is just as confused as I am. It's even more confusing when he is constantly telling me how much he likes me. Well whatever.. I cut things completely off between us. I feel like we shouldn't even be friends because this whole situation is so stressful. Was I wrong? Should I keep being friends with him? Should I keep playing the chase but expect there to be no end?
I don't know.. so much drama... It's a never ending cognitive strain.
This weekend I'm secluding myself from people. I'm getting tangled in so many situations, and I just need to get away. During high school I've never experienced sooo much drama and tension. College... the fighting and backstabbing just never ends!
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